Pleasing others is not something I set out to do on a regular basis, however, I do care about the one’s I consider to be my friends, as well as their overall happiness. I also like to contribute to their happiness if I can. But to what point does one realize that their actions in this aspect are not even recognized, merely because the “other” person may not think in that perspective? I never have been real good at being a friend; so therefore, I never really had many friends. I have always known people, categorizing them as acquaintances, rather than friends. I have also had a few friendships where both of us had pretty much considered our friendship as the coined “best” friend status, but those were never able to stand the tests of time.
The older I get, the less I socialize, and the less I find that I want to even go through the process of obtaining and maintaining friends. To only result in leaving me friendless in the end. However, along the way I have encountered a few lifelong, honest to god friends. At times I do find myself questioning the rights and wrongs, as well as expected duties required by me to my very limited amount of real friends. I often feel that I just don’t quite measure up to others expectations or standards, when really I just don’t know how to act, due to my lack of “friendship” experience. I find that I am constantly trying to make someone happy, or trying to do what I can to live up to their expectations. I feel that no matter what I say, I always seem to choose the wrong reply. I have even began to test out this lil’ theory of mine by meticulously replying with different responses than I normally would, just to see if the other responses are actually what the other is wanting to hear. I have found that it does not matter what I say, they seem to always be the wrong reply, thus leading me to conclude that maybe it is not me, nor is it my lack thereof that is the real problem.
I conclude that deep within the other person must lay some form of personal resentment in regards to me, and that they call me a friend, but really they are just merely tolerating me. Hmmmm. To wrap my head around this? Blog this*!